Most of the time after a show, we head out to the next city. Generally this gives us a nice jump-start on the next day. We’ll drive an hour till we get to a Flying J, a Rest Area or Wal-Mart parking lot then draw the blinds and get a nice restful sleep. That sleep varies from four hours to eight hours. I’ve found that the duration and restfulness of said sleep depends on the temperature and how stealthily we parked the van.

The best situation is to park in a busy hotel parking lot on the west side of a preferably three-story building. When the sun rises to the east, you are unawares of it doing so. One of the most disappointing (and eventually exhausting) issues is waking up at seven in the morning and the van is already baking hot. It’s horrible because at that point at least one or more than likely two of us only got three or so hours of sleep and we know that because of the heat, it’ll be awhile till we get to sleep again. It’s happened more than I’d like it to but the summer has passed and any touring that we’ll do for the next couple of months will thankfully be cold which to me is certainly more tolerable. If it’s cold, you can pile on more blankets. If it’s hot, well…there’s only so much you can take off.

Fortunately along the way, we’ve met some kind souls who have let us crash at their place. Full disclosure: we’ve had some bad experiences with crashing at people’s places too. One time, I woke up with a rash on the side of my face…the side that was lying on the mattress. Eeeech.

But that is a different story altogether.

In Lexington, I couldn’t believe Nate’s generosity. He gave us a couple of bucks, offered up his place to crash and made us pancakes in the morning. And we didn’t even play. (If you’re new to these blogs, read the previous ‘Most of the Time’ blogs). He’s a great stand-up guy. He has the most bad ass belt buckle. It’s gold and red and boldly says: ELVIS (‘Damn right man, fucking love The King, man’). Nate was not only letting us crash but letting another band crash too. The other band was younger, maybe they were twenty-one? They were in an acoustic-core band. I missed their show cause well…I WAS IN OWNENSBORO…but they were really nice, thoughtful fellas. I gathered they were all from the same hometown in Ohio and as you will see, from rival high schools. I would say that they were not unkempt or rude.

I would also say they were stoned. Very stoned. In Nate’s living room, this is the conversation that I overhead.

“Your high school…sucked”
“Wha..?”

“Your high school. It. Sah…Sah-uh. Sah-uh-uh. Sucked”
“Mine?”

“Your”
“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah”
“Well yours sucked worse”

“Worser”
“Yours sucked worser? Dude, that is not right. That’s how bad your high school sucked. They taught you the word ‘worser’ “

“No, your high school sucked more”
“You mean ‘morer’?”

“Dumb Ass”
“Dumb Ass. Dumber Ass.”

“Dumb Asser”
“You high school was so stupid. We’d always beat you in Math Corps. You guys came in like, last place, like every year (He dramatically rolled his eyes)”

“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah”

“Yeah well you guys always had the worst…(cough)…science…(cough)…projects. Like paper mache volcanoes”
“So?”

“In high school? Dude that’s like…(cough)…an eighth grade project”
“Yeah well your basketball team had like the shortest shorts. You could see nut sack”

“Why were you looking at nut sacks? That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. You’re going to be a famous rock star someday and someone is going to ask you ‘What was your high school experience like?’ and all you’re going to do is say ‘Nut sacks, man. Nut sacks’ ”

“They were hanging out. How could you not see them? I had to turn away every time there was a loose ball”

“BWAH-HA-HA!!!!!!! Yeah well you guys had the worst colors like ever. Like Maroon and green”

“…balls…balls…balls…nuts…balls…”

“It was like watching piles of puke throw a ball to one another”
“You totally just said balls”

“Test-Eh-CLEEZE. We should get those for the band”
“Testicles?”

“No. So stupid, dude. The shorts. I meant the shorts”
“No. Nope. Nope. No way. NO WAY. Band vote? I say no. Tim is passed out so that’s two to one say nay on the short shorts”

“Shit. Sheeeee-it”
“Hey man your high school mascot was like the stupidest thing ever”

“It was pretty stupid”
“Pretty stupid? It was so dumb”

They started laughing.

“So stupid”
“So dumb”

Laughing and laughing.

“Why?”
“I don’t know”

“No reason?”
“I don’t know”

Silence and then some satisfied sighs. I HAD to ask.

ME: “So, can I ask what was the mascot?”

“You may”

Then they started laughing and laughing again. Again, silence and then again some well satisfied sighs.

ME: “What was the mascot?”

“THE PELICANS!!!! BWAH-HA-HA!!!”

NATE: “Wha’ kinda’ dumb shit name is that?”

“BWA-HA-HA!!!!!”

The laughing calmed and they continued their debate.

“The Pelicans! That’s the dumbest name I ever heard. How can you root for the Pelicans?”
“I didn’t, dude”

“How did you go, like Bok, Bok, Bok?!”
“That’s a chicken”

“How does a Pelican go?”
“Like I would know? Like I own a beach house?”

“Seriously. How does it go? SQWA-awk?”
“Yeah well it wasn’t as dumb as your mascot”

“My mascot?”
“Yeah. YOUR mascot. The Chiefs”

“What’s wrong with the Chiefs?”
“At least we didn’t culturally rape the Pelicans”

Silence. The most surprising silence I ever heard. After all the dumb shit they’ve been laughing at, I was expecting them to fall on the floor. I was biting my lip, catching tears in my mouth, holding my bladder trying not to laugh at this rather sober stoner insight and the imagery of the Yankee army forcing Pelicans into war camps in the Wild, Wild West.

And then Nate, good old Nate.

“He’s right. Chief’s IS a stupid name. That shit’s fucked up”

Nate is right. Shit’s is fucked up. I excused myself and retired to Vandrew, our humble abode…

…and giggled myself to sleep.

________________________________

Pelican is a pretty dumb mascot. But for the record, it’s not the worst…er, sorry guys…worser. And honestly, Chiefs is not the worser either. Please take my hand to the following link. Make sure you are not drinking milk, coffee, soda, etc. while you read these. It will come out your nose:

www.tekonsha.k12.mi.us/scaa/teamnames.htm

Couple of things that I’d like to point out here:

1) During heated football games, do they spell all of F-I-G-H-T-I-N-G-S-A-N-D-C-R-A-B-S in Port Lavaca, Texas? “Gimmee an ‘F’!!”

2) My personal favorite?

Hoopeston, Illinois - The Cornjerkers!!

3) My vote for most offensive name? It’s shared between Dickinson, North Dakota AND Freeburg, Illinois AND Esterville, Iowa AND Unionville, Missouri AND McLaughlin, South Dakota AND Butternut, Wisconsin AND Hurley, Wisconsin

Let’s go MIDGETS!!!

- Jason