The Boiler Room: Owensboro, KY
Mike: “This is going to be awesome”
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We were in the outdoor cabana section of The Boiler Room.  It was 9 o’clock and most of the time we play at 11 or midnight.  From the inside of The Boiler Room, the opening band, Rockin’ the Bells, started playing ‘Iron Man’.  The place was starting to fill up and honestly, I have never been more uncomfortable in my life.  I called Nate…again.

“Nate?  Jason here.  I got to be honest with you, I’m not really feeling this place”

“Wait a second man, where are you?”

“I’m in the cabana area.  Outside.  There’s some tiki torches and a fire pit and the crowd is kinda, I don’t know…”

“You’re surrounded by douche bags?”

“Well, uh, yes that’s right…now that you mention it”

At this point, I’m relieved.  Finally, FINALLY, someone gets it.  Nate gets it.  Nate took a huge weight off of my shoulders because he seemed so nice and friendly on the phone and I couldn’t imagine anyone listening to us and think that we’d be a good follow up to Rockin’ the Bells.  Don’t get me wrong, we’ve played plenty of shows that I initially thought would’ve been awful yet ended up being pretty great.  But I’ve never played a show where the bar is full of people and literally no one has any interest.  This is a crowd we would never, ever win over.

Nate: “Yeah man, fuck those people.  You want to come inside to the bar area”

I did as Nate said, just in time to hear Rockin’ the Bells start “Sweet Home Alabama”.

“Okay I’m inside”

“Where the band is?”

“Yes, Nate.  I am where the band is”

“Yeah well fuck them too.  You need to come back to where the punk rock is, man.”

And again, I feel some bizarre lifting of my soul.  It’s as if I am on Dante’s Inferno: The Roller Coaster! and I am watching sinners pay for all their transgressions against Sisters Diana, Mary and Florence.  Tell me how to find the light, Nate!  Tell me how to find the light!

“You wanna go to the bar and it’ll look like you are going back to the kitchen but you’re not.  You’ll pass the bathrooms and in the back is where we’ll be.  Yeah man, fuck those people.  Buncha khaki pants, fookin Hawaiian shirt mother…”

I turn to the bar and see two doors.  One door definitely goes to the kitchen: there is that sound, the sizzle of things being fried, and a glow from fluorescent white bulbs.  That cannot be where I am supposed to go.  The other option is a dark passage to the side of the bar.  This option kinda looks like it might go to a kitchen or maybe a pantry or something.  I take the second option that leads through a darkened hallway, down a set of steps and then past the bathrooms.  So far, so as described.  At the end of the dark hallway is a door.

I open the door and instead of a punk rock club, I am staring at the darkened offices of Schmidt, Schmidt & Tweed Law Offices.  I take a double look, retracing my steps and again, the only possibility is that the punk rock club is in this law office. I get dizzy.  I feel like I am insane.

“Do you need something?”

It is a red-shirt SECURITY guard.

“Yeah, I’m looking for The Boiler Room”

“You are in The Boiler Room”

“Yes I know but I mean, the punk rock part…I mean, the…I don’t know what I mean”

“Are you okay?”

“Yes.  No”

“You’re not supposed to be back here”

“I’m looking for Nate.  If you could just get Nate for me”

“Who is Nate?”

“The guy who booked us”

He sized me up, top to bottom and lingered on the boots.

“What exactly did he book you to do?”

“I’m in a band, we’re supposed to play here”

“You need to talk to Steve”

“Yes, I know.  Steve.  Right.  Let me just get this straight.  There’s no club or anything back here?  No punk rock club?”

“No”

“And no Nate?”

“No”

“Just so…look man.  I’ve had a really crappy night.  This is the Boiler Room.  You did say that, right?”

“Yes.  Yes, this is The Boiler Room.  Do you want me to call you a cab?”

“No.  I’m fine”

“Sir, if you wouldn’t mind, I need you to head up stairs.  I don’t know who Nate is.  I don’t know of any punk rock club”

I retrace my steps through the dark hallway and up the stairs to the Sports Bar area.  Maybe the punk club is through that first option, that door I swear is the kitchen.  I ask the bartender.

“Hey, I’m looking for Nate!”

“No! Steve!”

“Is he back there?”

“In the kitchen?”

“No.  In the club”

“What?”

“The punk rock club.  Back there”

“That’s the kitchen”

“I know but that’s where I have to go”

“Go where?”

“He said that it would look like I’m walking back to the kitchen”

“To go where?”

“To The Boiler Room”

“YOU ARE IN THE BOILER ROOM”

“I know, I know but I mean…”

“Honey, I have customers”

“Yes but can I…”

“NO!”
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I don’t know what the hell is going on.  It’s going on 9:30 and I am no further along than I was at 8:15.  Most of the time, someone in the band has a pretty good guess as to where to go or what to do.  Most of the time, it’s not this complicated.   I walk to Team Red Collar in the Cabana area.  The DJ is playing Young MC.  I explain to everyone that Nate said that the club is somehow in the back of this club but I can’t find it.  Mike and Jon go into the bar to see if they’d have better luck.  I tell Beth that I am going to walk around to see if I can get to this place out back somehow.  I walked outside.  People are lining up to get into this place.  I call Nate…again.

“Nate?  Look, I NEED to find you or you to find me.  I tried going to the kitchen but I can’t find this hallway”

“Where are you now?”

“I’m in the parking lot.  I’m staring at the street outside the club”
“Okay, what street name is it?”

“It’s…uh…hold on, Walnut.  I’m on Walnut”
“No, no, no.  Jason, man, you need to move the van to Euclid.  That’s your problem right there”

“Awesome, Nate.  I’ll move it”
“Actually come by the entrance on the deck and I’ll ride over with you”

“Great!  I’m walking to the entrance”
“Me too”

“Okay Nate.  I am now at the cabana”
“I am at the cabana too”

“Where in the cabana are you?”
“By the bar”

“Me too”
“Where at the bar?”

“I should be really easy to spot.  I’m wearing gold boots with spurs”
“Nope…I don’t see you dude”

“I’m right by the bar”
“Me too!”

“Outside?  On the deck?”
“Yep!”

“I’m moving by the tiki torch”
“I see the tiki torch but I don’t see any guy with gold boots”

…what the hell…?

“Okay.  Okay.  Nate, I am going to walk to the parking lot”
“I’ll meet you there”

At this point, the DJ has the music cranked and I’m dodging ass-shaking couples.  Poorly, I might add.  Both, poorly: I am poorly dodging and they are poorly ass shaking.  I continue to inform Nate of every step:

“I’m walking past the DJ”
“I’m walking past the…wait.  Jason, did you say DJ?”

“What?”
“…DJ…?

Nate is breaking up.  The bass is booming.
“NATE?!?   Hell-LO?!”
Oh please, please, please.  Nate, do not let me lose you.

“Nate?!”
“…DJ…?”

“YES!
“A DJ?”

This guy is a real piece of work. I have been here for an hour and a half already.  Most of the time, we’ll meet the promoter right away.  No-o-o-o-o, not this time. Nobody here knows who he is.    I’m walking all over this place into dark hallways and this guy wants me to walk into the freaking kitchen.  I literally cannot be in a more obvious place right now.  I look unlike anyone in the cabana or in the bar or in the town.  In fact, I look unlike anyone that has ever stepped foot into Owensboro, well at least this particular month.  He HAS to see me.

“Nate, look at the DJ!  DEE!!!  JAY!  I’m right by him.  Do you see him?  That’s me Nate, waving my fucking arms!  Can you see me?  I’m waving my fucking arms now Nate!  I am the asshole in gold boots waving his arms back and forth right beside the DJ”
“What are you talking about?”

“Nate, the guy is playing Whoomp There It Is.  How can you not hear that?  Whoomp There It Is, Nate!!!  Whoomp There It Is!!!  I’m right by the damn DJ.  Listen!!”

I hold my cell phone up to the huge DJ speaker.
“Do you hear that Nate?!?  DO YOU HEAR THAT?!?”
“No”

“WHY NOT?!”
“Because, Jason, there is no DJ”

I think what followed was the longest silence of my life.

“Nate.  Are you in the Boiler Room?”
“Yes”

“In Kentucky?”
“Yes”

“What the hell?”
“I don’t get it”

“Nate, are you in Owensboro?”
“Owensboro?  No.  Lexington.”
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For those of you that our unfamiliar with the great state of Kentucky, let me help you out a little bit with a visual straight from Kentucky’s Tourist Bureau.  I took this picture at a rest area about a mile from the joint:

“What the hell are you doing in Owensboro?”
“I don’t know.  I don’t know, man.  How long is it going to take to get there?”

“About two and a half hours”
“Shit”

“You can make it, figure get here by one”
“But it’s only 9:30, I can make it by midnight”

“There’s a time change.  We are an hour ahead”
“Shit”
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I got everyone together and hauled ass to Lexington.  I was also able to think about what a colossal fuck up this was, for two and a half hours.  Here’s what happened: our buddy Jeff got this show for us.  If you look at a band’s myspace or facebook page, you can see the tour routing for said band.  When you are adding shows, the fields automatically fill themselves out.  For this particular date, we plugged in ‘Kentucky’ and then ‘Boiler Room’ and the first one that came up was the one in Owensboro.  I really didn’t even consider there being another Boiler Room.

When we got to Lexington, Nate told me to keep an eye out for The Awkward Moose.  The Boiler Room (Lexington’s Boiler Room, that is) was located inside The Awkward Moose.  We found The Awkward Moose and parked the van.  Mike and I went inside.  What’s funny about this place is how similar it is to Owensboro’s version: there is a cabana style deck in the front with tiki torches and what not.  Inside, it’s a sports bar atmosphere and there was a band playing there as well but that one was doing more jam band type music.  Beside the bar was a doorway that looks like it leads to the kitchen.  We walked down a dark hallway and passed the bathrooms.  There are idiots everywhere.  All of this, the clientele, the space, the décor, everything, was very close to Owensboro even though they are not a branch or franchise or anything.

Mike and I continued to the actual punk rock part of the club and it is one of the coolest venues I’ve ever been in.  Red Collar would’ve had a great time here.  Unfortunately the place had cleared out already.  We found Nate, shirtless and sweaty:

“Man, FUCK Owensboro.  Fuck them, man.  Shit man, I’m really sorry the crowd cleared out”
“Honestly Nate, it’s no big deal.  It’s been…an adventure”

“I feel awful about this Jason”
“It’s certainly not your fault”

“No but I’ve been in your shoes before…”
“YOU HAVE?”

“Well, not exactly those shoes but I’ve been touring for years and, well, here’s a couple of bucks man.  It’s not much but it’s gas money”
“Nate, please don’t do that”

“I insist, man.  I insist.  You can come crash at my place and I’ll feed you in the morning”
“Shit, man.  That’s awfully generous”

“It’s what we do for one another, right?”

I can’t fully express how awesome this guy is. We stayed at Nate’s that night and he made Red Collar pancakes the next morning, Red Collar AND another band.  Nate offered a plate of pancakes to one of the members from the other band.

“No thanks, Nate.  I’m good”
Nate stared at the kid.

“Seriously, man.  I’m okay”
“Motherfucker you’re on tour and god damn someone offers you some food that they made out of the kindness and generosity of their heart, you eat ‘em motherfucker.  I don’t give a fuck if you are full or not.  You eat that shit man.  Gonna be times you starving and nobody giving you shit.  Fuck it, you don’t want em?”

Nate slammed the plate into the sink.
“These young ‘uns gotta learn, man.  ‘My right?  ‘My right or what?”

You right, Nate.  You so right.
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Thoughts:

1)    As nice as facebook and myspace and all that has been for booking shows, sometimes Technology is too smart for its own good.
2)    The Boiler Room in Owensboro had SIX security guards.  SIX!!!  I’m not exaggerating.  Like I said, a Z-28 crowd folks.  We’ve played with and I’ve seen some really heavy, hardcore bands.  We’ve played some really dingy, skuzzy clubs.  Believe me, I’ve never seen or never needed one or two, let alone six, security guards.
3)    This DIY world is the only world where you’ll be paid, fed and housed even if you don’t play the gig.
4)    These two bars were so similar that if Nate said, “Meet me by the guy with the bleached tips, the stonewashed jeans, pink polo shirt, and a gold chain with a gold Taurus attached to it” then I would’ve been able to say “Nate, I’m patting him on the head, how can you not see me?”
5)    I think I now know what the Z-28 crowd feels like when they come in to punk rock clubs.  Maybe it’s by accident or maybe it’s by adventure that they end up there.  I am hereby making a better effort to make them not necessarily feel welcome but maybe to make them feel not unwelcome.  Live and let live, etc.
6)    Johnny Depp was born in Owensboro.

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To our defense, here’s a list of some of the cities that have a Boiler Room.  Keep in mind that this is not a franchise or anything.  It seems that people generally like naming their bars The Boiler Room:

St. Paul MN
Minneapolis MN
Denton TX
Sherman TX
Fort Lee NJ
Cape May NJ
Redlands CA
Stockton CA
Eureka CA
Chicago IL
Owensboro KY
New York City NY
Buffalo NY
Gainesville GA
Birmingham AL
Asheville NC
Greensboro NC
Summerfield NC
Laughlin NV
Wethersfield CT
Racine, WI
De Pere WI
Larned KS
Baltimore MD
Plymouth NH
Franklin TN
Kansas City KS
Omaha NB
Port Townsend WA
Portland OR
Wilton ME
Bradentown FL
Gulfport MS
Sun Valley ID

Notice that there is no Lexington, KY on the list.  We booked a show there and were supposed to have gone back for our August tour.  A few weeks before the show, I wrote Nate to confirm the upcoming August date.  This is the message we received:

Hi guys, Nate here.

I’m very upset to inform you that the Boiler Room has been shut down. All shows are cancelled as of now. We may be doing something else in the future. As of now, it’s too soon to say. If any bands need lodging while in town we can help with that at least. I’m very sorry. The owner of the Awkward Moose kicked us out with no warning.

Again, I am very sorry!

Nate
Ex- Boiler Room Booking Tool

This is a standard message everyone received from the boiler room site, I am sorry all this has happened!! Call me if needed… I am going to see about moving your show… As for now… I dunno where.

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But don’t worry folks, The Boiler Room in Owensboro is alive and kicking and Rockin’ the Bells is probably playing.